Donald Trump, the unlikely likely Republican nominee for president of the United States, has named his foreign policy advisers. He is inching closer to the nomination, and if he wins the general election in November, he will, as hard as it is to think about, start going around the globe and rubbing shoulders with world leaders. We wonder: what would a meeting between President Donald Trump and Foreign Minister Aung San Suu Kyi be like? Here’s how we envision the historic chat going down.
THE SETTING: Aung San Suu Kyi’s villa in Yangon
THE TIME: Mid-2017, soon after Trump has relocated the White House to Florida
THE PURPOSE OF THE MEETING: It doesn’t really matter
Aung San Suu Kyi: Mr. Trump, welcome to Myanmar.
Donald Trump: So good to be here. I couldn’t be more pleased. I flew in on the Trump Jet. My pilot had a little trouble landing at Yangon International Airport. The runway is small. You should get some bigger runways.
Suu Kyi: I’m so sorry to hear that. What are your impressions of our country so far?
Trump: First of all, it’s a tremendous, tremendous little place you’ve got here. Myanmar, Burma, whatever you people are calling it nowadays. One thing that I noticed, and that’s because I’m extremely observant, as you may have heard, is that the men here wear skirts.
Suu Kyi: Mr. Trump, we do not call it a skirt. The men are wearing what is called a “longyi.”
Trump: Long what? Well whatever it’s called, it’s absolutely fabulous. Incredible garment. Personally, I wouldn’t wear one. It’s not the sort of thing that’s good for making deals in. And I make a lot of deals. You wouldn’t believe how many deals I made just while we were having this conversation.
Suu Kyi: Good to know. I’m so glad you could make this important visit, and that Myanmar can continue its relationship with the United States. As a first order of business, I was hoping we could talk about removing the last level of US sanctions.
Trump: Look, the thing about sanctions is, I’ve got my best people looking at this thing. The best in the sanctions business. Have you heard of West Tumulty-Task? He’s Mr. Sanctions. He used to work in my steaks department. Now he’s one of my closest foreign policy advisers. We are going to do a beautiful job and everyone is going to be 100 percent happy with the outcome. But I don’t want to talk about sanctions. I want to talk about hotels.
Suu Kyi: Hotels? Tourism is an important part of our economy. What sort of development did you have in mind?
Trump: Picture this. This is big picture stuff. Enormous idea in the making stuff. I want to put a Trump Resort right next to that big gold building (aid interjects: “Mr Trump, it’s called the Shwedagon”). Right, the big gold building. I’m thinking multibillllion dollar deal. So many jobs even those beggars in robes I see on the street everywhere here are going to have work.
Suu Kyi: Those are monks, and I don’t believe they would want a hotel next to the holiest Buddhist site in our country. To be frank, I don’t want that either.
Trump: I wrote a book, Art of the Deal. Have you read it? Great book. People love it. It’s not as good as the Buddhist Bible, but it’s close, it’s up there. I brought a signed copy of it just for you. In that book I wrote, and I quote, “never let differences get in the way of development.” I’ve dealt with all sorts of religious leaders in my line of work. I know how to talk to these people. Priests, Buddhist Priests, Jewish Priests, they all love me. The monks love me.
Suu Kyi: I think that is a very silly idea that will not work in our country.
Trump: To be completely honest with you you are wrong and my record of excellent hotel building speaks for itself. But I don’t want to argue. Okay, Myanmar isn’t ready for the Trump vision just yet, I know you guys are in transition or whatever one of my advisers told me 10 minutes ago. I just came hear to say hello and to say I love what you’ve done with the place, I mean the country, and after so many years of trying! You are such an inspiration to business people around the world who keep trying and failing and trying and failing and finally succeeding and making boatloads of money after long years of failure. I would hire you in a heartbeat.
Suu Kyi: Thank you so much for the compliment. Oh, would you look at the time? I have to fly to Naypyitaw today for a parliamentary session. It’s been wonderful meeting you. I’m so sorry we couldn’t chat longer.
Trump: Take the Trump Jet! You’ll love the plane. It’s magnificent. We just hired a new pilot from Mexico (our little secret!). By the way, what’s Nay…pie…daw?
Suu Kyi: Actually, we have our own transportation.
Trump: How about that? Myanmar, what a town. Thank you for your time. I’m going to find a store and buy some of those skirts before I leave.
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